My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
