dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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