apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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