Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
