it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
