fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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