"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
