I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
