So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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