after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
