WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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