I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
