Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
