I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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