fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
