are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
