Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
