i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
