He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
