drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
