Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
