I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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