My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
