I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize