It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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