Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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