today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
