The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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