he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
