i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
