That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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