Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
