Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I deserve this hangover.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
