my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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