Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
