Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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