I skipped work to stalk him.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
