Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
