Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
