I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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