I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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