i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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