He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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