Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize