i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
