why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
this hospital has no fireball
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
