I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
