The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
