So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Randomize
