if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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