Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
4 words: hood of his car
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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