God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My bed smells like the plague
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
