So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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