i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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