I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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