he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVEâ€
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