last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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