Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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