Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
